Throwing Spears

All this past week I struggled with a situation from my past that had very much begun to affect my present. At the root, I was experiencing hurt. The lingering kind. But as I continued to walk out my daily life, dragging my hurt behind me like a ball and chain, I began to try to unload some of my burden in other places. It was on one person from this past situation that I decided to place the newly birthed feelings of bitterness and jealousy. This person had no idea. None. But I justified my feelings and decided for myself it was perfectly natural to go on feeling the way I did. However, these “justified” emotions brought devastation within me. I felt constantly threatened. Drained. Bitter. Miserable. I had become a slave to my own thoughts (See 2 Peter 2:19).

You’ve been there, right? Some emotion has mastered you. And there is usually a person attached to that emotion. Christ said that we should love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. I guess He had good reason for this radical instruction. The recipient of my stubborn emotions? She is a sister in Christ. He loves her just as He loves me. Yet, for whatever reason, I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t seem to shake those awful feelings that kept me captive in a prison of hard-heartedness. They held on with a pit bull grip. I felt almost powerless against them.

All this week, my homework assignments in Beth Moore’s David study seemed to deal with similar issues. I learned more about Amnon, Absalom, Tamar, and King David. As I read, my heart was struck. I gave ear to the stories about jealousy, lust, anger, pride and revenge. Those are the sorts of difficult emotions I am talking about. The ones that seethe under your skin and take control of your thoughts so that all through the day and into the night, you wrestle with them.

I saw in the scriptures what happened when the above-mentioned members of the royal family gave in to their difficult emotions. Strife, pain, devastation, exile, and even death ensued. They had opportunities to walk away or to make things right. You know that verse, “But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13)? Well, here are some great examples of God doing just that in 2 Samuel. Take a look with me at how a way out was provided in each of the following situations:

2 Sam. 13:12-14
"Don't, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you." But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

Tamar offered a way out for Amnon from his lust. Her wise words could have prevented a rape.

2 Sam. 13:25-27
"No, my son," the king replied. "All of us should not go; we would only be a burden to you." Although Absalom urged him, he still refused to go, but gave him his blessing. Then Absalom said, "If not, please let my brother Amnon come with us." The king asked him, "Why should he go with you?" But Absalom urged him, so he sent with him Amnon and the rest of the king's sons.

David resisted Absalom’s attempts to have Amnon sent to the celebration. This should have given him pause to re-consider his plans. It could’ve prevented a vengeful murder.

2 Sam. 14:12-14
Then the woman said, "Let your servant speak a word to my lord the king." "Speak," he replied. The woman said, "Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.”

The woman from Tekoa followed Joab’s instructions and successfully showed David that He should bring back his exiled son.

2 Sam. 18:10-14
When one of the men saw this, he told Joab, "I just saw Absalom hanging in an oak tree." Joab said to the man who had told him this, "What! You saw him? Why didn't you strike him to the ground right there? Then I would have had to give you ten shekels of silver and a warrior's belt." But the man replied, "Even if a thousand shekels were weighed out into my hands, I would not lift my hand against the king's son. In our hearing the king commanded you and Abishai and Ittai, 'Protect the young man Absalom for my sake.’ And if I had put my life in jeopardy —and nothing is hidden from the king—you would have kept your distance from me." Joab said, "I'm not going to wait like this for you." So he took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom's heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree.

A soldier with integrity rose up and reminded Joab (who was in authority over him!) of the King’s words to be gentle with his son. Another murder could have been averted.

He is faithful! He will provide a way out. Are we listening? We see in these accounts and have experienced for ourselves how easy it is to hear warnings, yet trudge on toward sin in stubbornness and hardness of heart. We may feel almost powerless against that pit bull grip, but we are NOT without help! That is a lie of the enemy.

By God’s providence, I met someone Saturday night, who after recommending a book called “A Tale of Three Kings” (deals with David, Saul & Absalom), pulled me briefly aside and mentioned an important lesson from the book. He told me we must not learn to “throw spears”. Saul threw spears at David, trying to kill him, because of his intense jealously of David’s success and favor. King David, on the other hand, had opportunity to kill Saul, but did not. Because of His close relationship with God, a godly response flowed out from his heart. This lesson drove straight into my heart. The man I was talking with had no idea the impact it made. These words were from God to me. I had some serious work to do.

This will sound sort of silly, but the next night, after an extended time of going before God with my emotions and struggles, I remembered something from my middle school years. I was a cheerleader (a terrible one, for one season). We used to sing a little cheer called “Be Aggressive”. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E, SAY BE AGGRESSIVE, BE BE AGGRESSIVE!! Yes, this goofy, redundant cheer helped me realize that I need to get aggressive when it comes to dealing with my sin nature. If I don’t, it will roll right over me, disabling and hindering what God is currently calling me to do. I sat back this week and steeped in events from the past, allowing emotions to pull me down into darkness, keeping me a slave to bitterness and jealously, besides the hurt. I allowed it to happen, as much as I’d like to think I couldn’t help it. But after forcing myself to come before God’s throne, I now see that with His loving help I can do something about it.

Instead of plotting revenge like Absalom, or keeping a loved one away like David, or taking what we want because we believe it should be ours like Amnon, let’s resolvedly lay down our hearts at our Father’s feet and beg God for His heart in the matter! Beg him to soften us and help us die to ourselves, to our sin nature, to the ways we see fit to respond. Let’s not learn to “throw spears” - to respond as the enemy would be thrilled to see. That only brings death. Be aggressive in dealing with the sin that plagues our hearts and minds. That’s the only way we’ll beat it.

Related Reading:
A Tale of three Kings: A Study in Brokenness
By Gene Edwards ($9.99 new at Amazon.com)

Praying God's Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds
By Beth Moore ($10.19 new at Amazon.com)

Step One

So...I bought a canvas. A little 9x12. Hobby Lobby beckoned as I got out of my car to enter the gym last night. I looked at paints, but additional supplies cost additional funds, so for now it's only my $4.50 canvas. I know what I want to do. Now, it's a matter of time. How long? I don't know. But I have a blank canvas in my bedroom staring me down each day. I bought the one thing so I'd eventually have to finish what I started. I am branching out. It's a good thing.

If God gave me desires, shouldn't I at least try? I mean, I'll just never know if I leave it a longing. I want to bring it near. Let's see what happens.

God...let's see what happens. I am going to take your hand and enjoy all of this.

Gatlinburg

Mom, Robyn, Aimee & I went to Gatlinburg for a girl's weekend last month. It is a three or four year tradition now. Even before we started going together, my parents used to take my brother & I down for trips with the Murphys and Hartlidges for New Years. I guess the love started then. I think the mountains are so pretty. I like the too-bright, too-crowded, overwhelming wonder that is Pigeon Forge. I like the mix of touristy shops on the Parkway in downtown Gatlinburg. I like Smoky Mountain National Park. I like drooling over the wares of the Artist's community. I guess I can stop going on now...but I could go on...in case you were wondering :)

Mom, Aimee and me on the Parkway.

The old Buick. Vehicle supreme for cozy roadtrips.

Nature Photo.

I took this one of Aimee at McDonalds. What a cutie!


This is the forge kitten. It looked like a miniature Millie. I wanted to take him home.

Gatlinburg is all about black bears. Note the lighted bear in the condo.

Bear salt & pepper shakers.

A beautiful view.

Mom's sunglasses :)

Leaves in motion.

Aimee.

We all had fun at the concrete statuary place. Call us what you will. They had some cool stuff. Aimee loved all the different dog statues.

Aimee really loved the chocolate cake we bought from the grocery store.

Behold the cake!

I don't know if you can see it, but Aimee is holding "Fluffet". Fluffet is the furry green stick we found in the park... it's a muppet stick... we named it... my family is wierd :)

I was carrying Aimee on a trail and she suddenly reached out and grabbed onto this tree. Then she payed peek-a-boo. So cute.

Down the trail we go.

Robyn & Aimee by the stream.

Mom, Aimee & I posing with the scarecrows downtown.

Tell it to me

I ran out on my lunch break this afternoon and upon returning to work I sat in my car a few moments listening to a song called “Come Alive” on BarlowGirl’s newest album, Love & War. Read some of the lyrics below, then read on.

Wake up, get out, there's no time to waste now / Never shut up it's our turn to speak out / These streets are dead just waiting to come alive / Break down the doors of our comfortable room / Tear down the walls we never could see through / Aren't we sick of missing out on life / Do we want more? Tell me do we want more? / 'Cause we've heard the cry and we'll come alive / And we fight for love and we live to die / Because a life that holds no meaning / Is like a day without the light / All have the call but so few have listened / Life is too short you don't want to miss this / Make up your mind before life passes by

I hear words like these and my heart wants to jump out of my chest and start running. Only problem is, I don’t know “where to”. I have been praying and praying and longing for direction. I’ve picked up on a bunch of small opportunities lately. I’m so grateful for that. I know what it is God wants from me in the big picture. But, God, I need the road map. I need the particulars. I need your direction. I need your releasing.

Get this… are you paying attention to this one? I got told by a co-worker today. After sitting in my car listening to said song, I returned to the building, swiped my time-card, and entering the break room said my normal “hello” to Hazel. She said hello too, then out of nowhere said the following,

“Why are you here? (I stand frozen in my tracks - listening and holding my breath) You are so creative and you have so many passions and this place doesn’t show that off. You are hiding back there (in the corner of the office, behind my cube wall). You are young. You aren’t married and you don’t have kids. From the time you started here I thought to myself that you just don’t seem like you should be here. You should be out working with people. I feel like you’re wasting your time here.”

Stunned and shaken up, I told her, “I know.” I told her where my passion really is. I told her about “Living Proof”, “Women at Risk” and “Voice of the Martyrs” and about the other ministries I know are out there doing what I’m passionate about. I told her that this job, at the very least, gives me a lot of time to think. Maybe this is preparation time. In fact, I’m pretty certain it is. I started feeling that way when I moved into my new apartment. God will be the one to prove it true or false, but God, I’m asking you to move. Please move. Please move in my life.

In response to the song: I’m awake. I hear the call and I want to go and do it. I realize my time is short. I’m sick and tired of missing out on true life. I don’t want another day without meaning. I’ve made up my mind, now I need Your help! Tear down the barriers that keep me from hearing you and recognizing what you want me to do.

I can’t believe those words came out of my co-worker’s mouth today. I can’t even tell you what it said to me. God’s timing is amazing.

My Life in Studio

I have taken several varieties of spiritual gifts tests in the last few months. The only other time in my life I took one was when I was thirteen. My top two giftings have not changed (I don't know why I'd think they would.) According to my Myer Briggs personility test results, I am a self-searcher. No place is ever the staying place. Maybe set awhile, but not stay. I am very critical of myself, and am always trying to improve. And, because I am not super passionate about the tasks that fill my 40 hours, I have been on a long journey to figure out what I really should be doing with my life. What will fill me with a serving satisfaction. What will thrill me and be a good fit for the Kingdom all at once.

One of my upper-mid level giftings is artistry/craftmanship. No doubt, I think in art, but sometimes I wonder how much art made it's way from my head to my hands. Sure, I have had many occurances of fruitful creativity, but there is definately more that I'd like to do than I know how to accomplish. This past weekend I browsed through (and wanted to burn lots of money on) many pieces of art. Pottery, copper sculpture, oil on canvas, silk screen, beaded jewelry, art glass...Oh, how I wanted to buy it all! My walls are so very bare. I bought one thing. One decently expensive thing. One very unique and captivating work of art. And I love to look at it and I look forward to using it.

For the past four days I have longed to have a studio. The idea is completely romantic to me. I don't know why. But then, that would require skill in some art. Or...maybe not. Following are two definitions of the word studio:

1. the workroom or atelier of an artist, as a painter or sculptor.
2. a room or place for instruction or experimentation in one of the performing arts: a dance studio.

Experimentation or instruction. That fits me.

For some reason I vividly remember a room I played in once as a child. I don't even remember where it was, but it stuck in my memory. It had white, yellow, blue and red paint splattered on the walls. There were child-sized tables with big sheets of paper and all the crayons, markers and finger paints you could want. It was a child's studio. The other place that sticks out in my memory is the haircare lab at P&G. That was a scientific/beauty studio. It was a place of artistry and experimentation. These two places were places that I loved to be. I drew from within myself in these rooms. I used my right brain and my left.

Now, when I've finished dreaming about how I'd love to learn to paint, or sculpt, or blow glass, my mind goes to another place. I have started to imagine myself in my Artist-God's studio. It's brightly lit, with high ceilings, and I can hear this part of a Christy Nockels song that has the most beautiful piano playing I have heard to date. It's playing loud. It carries me away. With all my searching for what I should develop in myself, and trying to realize my gifts and passions, I want this daydream studio, where my life is being perfected by my God's hands, to take it's permanent place in my mind. I've been excited about knowing that my life truly is God's work, and He most definately has plans and purposes for it.

I want to spend long hours with Him in this place. I want to get to know the Mind behind the Skillful Hands. I want to feel the Hands that do the work. I want to understand why He made me like He did. Go ahead and work with me. Experiment (although You have no need). Most of all, instruct me. I will take comfort with the fact that you give the utmost attention to detail. Make my life a thing of beauty and function. Draw from within your God-heart and do your work in me.

Welcome to My Brain...

So can I tell you about the hilarity of my morning? (I will very often ask if I can tell you how I’m feeling even if I have no intention to hear your response. It’s how I introduce a story. This is a quirk of mine). So this morning I was in the shower when suddenly my doorbell began to ring. It kept ringing, over and over and over again. It was 6:15 in the morning, so no one would have any reason to do this. I was kind of freaked out by it. So, I ignored it and prayed and kept on showering. As it continued to ring, I continued to be freaked out and starting thinking about how the worst possible time for an attacker to enter your house would be while one is in the shower. So, I thought about what I could use to defend myself in that situation. My best bet was the shampoo bottle. (Yeah right!) Well, eventually the bell stopped ringing. I was relieved, but still paranoid.

I got out of the shower and proceeded to walk to my room to get ready. About ten minutes before I had to leave the bell starting ringing again. Now, understand that women get about five of those “Tricks Attackers Use” email forwards per year about how most attacks occur in the early morning hours, right outside your house, etc, etc…NEVER ANSWER YOUR DOOR… I am an overly cautious person anyway, so I was too chicken to even approach the front door. At this point I decided I would dig the pepper spray out of my underwear drawer. I called my dad and had him on the line as I approached the door. I peer out, trembling, and see…my sweet little elderly neighbor shivering in her bathrobe. As I hung up the phone and opened the door to let her in, I tried to conceal the pepper spray in my right hand. I was about ready to pepper spray my eighty-something year old neighbor. I felt really stupid…

Masquerade

You whispered to me
promised the world
pledged on your honor
and you would have delivered

Sang to me sweetly
lulled me into
a coma of wanting
of wanting.

You thought you had me

You were wrong
You were wrong

Those dreams
they’ve turned like trees
masquerading green
you fooled me long enough
in furoius colors
now I see
you are death.

I have been swept away
from You
by another
by another
I am saved.

Now I long
to winter in you.
in this death
bury me beneath
the whiteness
the brightness of
your holiness.

Bury me
in the Folds
in your Blood
in your Life.

Bury me
raise me up
raise me up
I am saved.