Risk

I got the latest newsletter for WAR Intl. last Thursday. I took it out of the mailbox, felt a heavy feeling and set it on my kitchen table, thinking I’d open it on a day when I could take it. Most often, I finish reading these newsletters with tears running down my face and in desperate prayer. There are literally real-life horror stories written on these pages.

Unclothed women for sale, kept in glass rooms in the basement of an infamous Russian hotel. Acid attacks that leave terribly disfigured faces. A promised job turns out to be a trick. A woman in poverty leaves her home to find herself lost in another city where she is threatened by a pimp, coerced into prostitution. A woman rejected, beaten, and turned out by her husband because she is unable to bear children. Husband number 2 beats her too, but at least doesn’t reject her. These are stories I’ve read in the past.

Saturday, I decided to open the newsletter. Thankfully, it wasn’t as horrible as some of the others. This month’s story focused on a wife whose husband beat her regularly. The story began to change when she learned to sew and starting bringing home added income. He liked her contribution. He began to beat her less. While this story still saddens me, it has improved this woman’s life, if even a little. Rebecca MacDonald wrote that these women who’ve learned a trade – cake decorating, sewing, embroidery, or jewelry-making – have begun to create beauty out of brokenness. And isn’t that exactly what God does for us?

We are broken. So many, whether victims or prodigals, have found themselves in the middle of the biggest mess imaginable, with no way out in sight. Even when our hope, our Savior, appears, the wounds take time to heal. But He begins to give beauty for our ashes, and gladness for our mourning. Then after our spirit of despair has been removed, He clothes us in a garment of praise. We find it’s all we can do – just praise Him.

I learned that the purpose of teaching women to sew is to remove risk by adding value. And that idea is so connected to us. We are at risk too.

Part of my journey out of risk has been to learn and know the love and value my God places on me. If I know His heart toward me (and it is good and loving), then I am no longer poor in self-worth. I am rich with His love, and begin to see myself accordingly, under the authority of His truth. I don’t seek out things to fill me anymore, because I know the access and invitation I have to the One who fills me with living water. I can acknowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Made in His image to know and love Him.

We live in America and may not be at risk to coerced prostitution, but we are at risk to sin and the destruction that comes from thinking and acting outside of Christ’s authority. That is why it is so important to know the value God has sovereignly assigned us, and that Christ has secured it, dying on the cross that we might belong to Him.

Again and again, I find myself testifying to the Scripture’s truth, that “what a man seeks is unfailing love.” When we know it in Jesus, we are secure and strong in His arms, armed against sin and able to stand.

Sheep

What is it about the shepherd/sheep relationship that strikes so deeply at my heart? A friend of mine made a slideshow to the song "Divine Romance" and of all the images, just the brief sight of a shepherd with a lamb carried on his shoulders brings quick tears to my eyes. Usually I have more to say than this...but for now, nothing. Maybe more in coming months. I may have to read a book or two...

A Heart Brimming on His Shore

You dove deep
Into the wreck
Where not another soul -
Not one could go

With skillful hands
You broke the heart
That lay in the dark
and still of death

You filled your hands
With the things inside
things that somehow
survived the fighting

Then toward the surface
To the waters
Warmed by sunlight
Your hands full of treasure

A gasp of air
And toward the shore
Your pristine shore
So far in the distance

Upon the sand
You laid out the treasure
Glittering in the sun
And you came for me

Your hand holding mine, You said,
“Daughter, all this is yours”
I fell to my knees
Amazed, in awe

Riches, riches
Beyond my wildest dreams
Rings, jewels, bracelets filigreed
“Mine?”

He nodded His head
I tried them on
One by one
“Mine?”

I played dress-up
Twirling on His shore
Like a girl dreaming
of who she might be

I wore the treasure
I displayed the treasure
Dancing for Him -
When, in an instant

I was new
And His
Full in His sight
His gift had become me

Forever I would stay
On His shore
Dancing in His arms
His desire, His delight

Less Between Us

… keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

I quit watching TV for personal reasons several months ago. I never really watched it much to begin with; it was mostly at the gym, because it distracted me and helped me to stay with it longer. So it was the Food Network (not the best for work-outs, I know), Scrubs, The Office, or another comedy. When I made the decision to cut it out of my life, I felt like God was calling me to “get tough” or “be aggressive” in dealing with my sin nature. The root of sin mostly lies in our thought life and we are called to take every thought captive to Christ, so I started to get real about the fact that I was not above being subtly [or overtly] influenced by messages in shows. Sex and morality were the main two.

I literally found myself turning away from the screen for seconds at a time to avert a sexy scene on Scrubs and finally I just said the heck with it. I’m done. It’s not worth it. So, I started to take an old MP3 player filled with upbeat worship music when I work out. What a huge difference that has made.

Why do we watch/read/listen to things that compromise the lifestyle we are trying to live and the pure thought life we try to keep before God? Whatever happened to “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Was He serious? You bet. Are we stupid and selfish? You bet.

I woke up several times last night due to a sinus medicine that makes me feel tired, but very awake, and lying in bed, was pleasantly surprised to find myself singing a song in my head about telling God “Welcome Home” (thanks again Jennifer for making the awesome video. It was really so powerful.) And then to be able to pray in the watches of the night, battling minimal unwanted thoughts or images from a show that begs me to give in a little here, a little there? What a blessing.

I know most people think I’m too strict with my views concerning this, but I’m sticking to my guns. I’m not saying you need to do the same, but I am saying that you should do what you need to do to live for Him and keep yourself pure from the pollution of the world. I don’t want to blend in like the Jews who remained in Babylon after their exile was complete. I don’t want to assimilate. I will not change my name.

I am beginning to reap the benefits of life without TV. It reduces a lot of the “noise and clutter” I would otherwise be trying to quiet and sort through. If the goal is intimacy, there has got to be less in between us.

Development

My research assistant (aka my mom) has been busy. In the search for information about the pendant from Israel, she has come across an interesting look-alike. This one is strikingly similar but has a noted difference. The shape is the same. The “wheel” is the same, each with six spokes. Check out this solid silver pendant from Persia (present day Iran). She found it on a collectors site online. They say it’s from the 1940s. It’s obviously in great condition. Mine looks older (or much more worn).

Compare to:

The website said the two fish were good luck according to Jewish tradition. The top of this pendant was the inverted Hebrew letter Shin, meaning “Shadai” - one of God’s names, The Lord.

I am just going nuts wondering what the wheel is about. Mom said she thought it may have something to do with Solomon. Six spokes. A chariot wheel? If so, why? Because God may take us home in chariots (Jer. 4:13)? Something to do with the six-chambered gates Solomon built? Something about a fortified city? Maybe it had to do with a number of kings in succession before Israel’s Babylonian exile. This would be the right place (Persia/Iran). Maybe I’m way off target. It’s got me thinking…can you tell?

The Love Dare

One morning last week on the drive in to work, I heard someone on one of the Christian stations talk a little about the book, The Love Dare. They shared a practical tip from the book concerning how we greet our spouse in the morning. They asked us to think about how we respond to them first thing when we wake up. Are we grouchy? Are we mean? Or cheerful? Maybe sweet?

I considered how I greet Millie each morning. I suppose it’s half and half – depends on if she is meowing loudly for me to feed her or walking on me and pawing my face to wake me up :)

I guess we’re all different. Can we change if we are a morning or night person? Probably not. But it is important to think about how this makes our other half feel. Their practical application was to do it differently the next day, in a way that spoke love to their spouse.

I couldn’t help but try to convert this to my relationship with God and how He greets me each morning. Of course this verse came to mind:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

- Lamentations 3:22-23

Then this one...

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

- Psalm 90:14

I have a new appreciation for what the Lord does intentionally for me each and every day.

Two lessons I learned from this:

1. Have compassion and mercy on your spouse with each new day. This is part of being faithful. You will have less weight to carry as a couple.

2. Because what we all seek is unfailing love, doing our best to show it to one another will be a source of joy and satisfaction. It will also remind the other of God’s [perfect] unfailing love for us all and encourage them in their walk with Christ.

I am half tempted to go out and buy the book and see what else I can apply to the God relationship, but I really don’t want to start reading a bunch of marriage books. Probably not the best idea.

He Sees

My book group has been reading through Captivating. We have been exploring what the authors believe every woman’s deepest desires are, the question we will always ask, and the wounds we received as children and how it has affected us up to this point. What lies did we believe about our self and how has that shaped us? That question, by the way is “Am I lovely?” (or Angela Thomas says, “Do you think I’m beautiful?”)

Not that this was a new concept to me, but I am seeing even more that those lies I have believed about myself from when I was a little girl are still not completely undone. Thankfully, over this last year or two I’ve been getting to know “the God who sees” (El Roi).

Often when a little girl is wounded (intentionally or not), she begins to turn inward and ask herself what she did to deserve it. In that moment a lie is believed about herself. She was not good enough. Not pretty enough. She was too much. She was messed up. In her mind, something was wrong with her. That’s why she was treated like she was. Children don’t know that how mommy or daddy treats them doesn’t reflect who they really are or the value they have. Children interpret how mommy and daddy treats them as who they are. The value they have. Whether they deserve love (or anything) or not.

I am a woman who has tragically believed many lies about myself.

Growing up, I constantly feared that my friends would reject me. I believed I wasn’t really smart, even if my report card said so. I believed I wasn’t really pretty, even if somebody told me so. I believed that I wasn’t the sweet, cheerful teenager I appeared to be because inside I was really a sad, bruised, broken girl.

When we are broken are behaviors become broken.

I became a high school senior and then a college freshman with an eating disorder because I didn’t believe I was beautiful, and because my broken heart felt so completely uncontrollable, the best option of dealing with it seemed to be an obsessively controlling behavior. It didn’t work, of course. It turned my mind into a malfunctioning machine. It only made me feel like a bigger failure because I couldn’t stop hearing the commands to exercise and eat less and I couldn’t obey them like I felt I needed to. What awful lies.

I became a young woman who believed that no man could possibly want me. So, I compromised. I gave up what I dreamed of. I didn’t believe anyone would come along offer it. I devalued myself. I relegated myself to accepting what was offered. Then came the fear that they would leave. What awful lies.

I let being a college drop-out beat me up for a long time. Because of course “I never had what it took to graduate. I wasn’t smart enough. No way, I didn’t have that kind of follow-through. Forget that I graduated in the top ten of my high school, I was a fake who somehow fooled them.” That turned into believing God did not give me any gifts to use for Him. In turn I felt like He didn’t have good plans for me. That turned into despondent depression. What awful lies.

Even as a believer, I continued to make choices that came from a wounded heart.

But thankfully there is a God who sees. Who sees my past. Every circumstance that touched my life. Who sees all the things I saw. All the feelings I felt. He saw me the moment I first heard and believed the lie. He saw me begin to behave accordingly. He saw the destruction I brought upon myself. He saw my pain. He saw my tears. He saw my helplessness. He saw me cry out. And he helped me. He came to my rescue.

He began to show me that I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t deserve it. That wasn’t what He intended for me. He told me He loved me and that I am beautiful. His Holy Spirit made me want to live. To allow Him to empower me. To allow Him to carry me in His arms and heal all the broken places. To allow Him to makes some big plans for me, and this time know He has given me what I need to follow through on them. He has given me Himself. His power. His love. I have freedom. I have His truth to counter every vicious lie of Satan.

The God who sees helps me take a zoomed-out look at my life. He shows me that I didn’t just magically become a messed up person on my own (though our sin nature plays a ready part in that). That there are pits we are bound and thrown in, and there are pits we choose to step into. So much happens to us as children that Satan can use to break us down and cripple us. To kill us.

But the God who sees is a God of redemption. Mercy. Forgiveness. Grace. When I condemn myself, he envelops me, both the victim and the prodigal, in the Father’s joyful, accepting arms. He sees all of me, past and present, and loves me no less.

He Authors to Save

Saturday morning I dropped by my grandparent’s house in Delhi to drop something off. I sat in my Grandpa’s favorite armchair and talked with them for a while, like old times. It’s been a long time since I had done this. Nothing ever changes there. Same antique doll in a glass case on the mantle. Same old clock on the living room wall. Probably the same ancient games slid under the sofa that my brother and I used to pull out and play with on the floor. I’m guessing butter pecan ice cream in the freezer and Pecan Sandies in the cabinet (grandma has a thing for pecans).

They are older now, is all that’s different. Grandpa has had his share of health problems over the last few years. He is pretty miserable a lot of the time. I honestly thought I wouldn’t see him again after Thanksgiving, but the Lord must have plans for him yet. Even so, we talked about normal things for us. They asked me about work. Commented on our family’s state of affairs. They talked about each other. Grandma just loves telling me how handsome Grandpa was when they met when she was 16 and he was 19. “There was just nobody else”, she said.

Grandma finally got around to asking me if I had a boyfriend. I told her no, just some friends. Then came the kicker comment: Grandpa said, “You’re going to be an old maid. It’s a good thing you have a job!” I was stunned. “What’s that about?!” were the first words that came out of my mouth. I tried to cover up my indignation with a joke. What I really wanted to say was, “Hey Grandpa, what happened to the days when you’d tell me how pretty I am?!” That would be a nice follow-up right about now. Then came a subtle assault on my education: “You know you could be going to night school, don’t you?” Yes, I do. But no, I’m not going to. Graciously. Gently. Of course.

I changed the subject and told them about what’s going on in my life: church stuff and Bible study and book group with the girls. Grandpa said he remembers his church (the one church he found acceptable) having Bible studies long ago. He said he never went to any. He figured, “He knew enough about that book.” How sad. How very sad.

I can only pray God opens his spiritual eyes to see in these last days, as none of us has a peace about his salvation. I love this stubborn old man so dearly, and as he ages, he has become so very soft in places, like in regard to his family, yet still so hard to His Father. The richness of the lives of his children, and his children’s children has begun to fill his eyes with tears of thankfulness. And yet, the richness of God’s love and His kingdom remains like a mysterious book on a table, closed… a distant thing to be talked about sparingly. Not opened and read and relished and marveled at.

Do you not wonder about the end? Do you not long to know the conclusion (and the beginning) of this long, tedious, heartbreaking story? Or why there is a story in the first place? Why you suffered? Why you lost? Why you cry at the beauty of this big family God blessed you with and cry for the little one you never met? Oh, how sad. God open those sweet eyes. You are able.

There is a breathtaking, sweeping conclusion to this story. And a breathtaking, perfect Author. But for some, that knowledge could come too little, too late. What would we do if we could never rest in that knowledge? Where would we be? How would we strive? Oh God, by Your strong arm draw more to Yourself. Reveal your heart to your beloved and lost sons and daughters. And hurry.

My Reasons

The reservations have been made. (Yay!) Vacation time is approved. My plan is to work half a day on a Wednesday, and head directly for the beautiful Hocking Hills to the Scottish country inn where I’ll be resting my head for two nights. I’ll check out and come home on my birthday. I have a packing list compiled and broken down into categories: clothes, toiletries, food and drink, books, and for this trip….spa items.

I recently stumbled upon a “Spa Devotional” in a women’s publication. It’s a unique idea. It gives a verse or two and a little writing about each spa item and how Jesus plays that role for us. Example: bath pillow = Jesus gives us rest for our souls. I know that some women don’t get into this stuff and think its useless, self-pampering fluff. I don’t share their opinion. I certainly don’t do it all the time and I don’t think it’s all-important, but I see definite value in taking the time to rest, relax and pamper yourself (and others) once in a while.

A married friend in her thirties recently shared that when she first got married, her husband would do things like draw her hot baths and scrub her feet. She wasn’t in the habit of doing these things for herself, so one day as she was a little confused about why he was doing it, he said to her, “If you’re not going to do it, I’ll just have to do it for you.” At first, I think she was taken aback, thinking, “Do I look like I need a hot bath? Are my feet in that bad of shape?!” But then it sunk in and she understood that he loves and cherishes her that much. He wants to take good care of her, and do things that physically express that to her. Things he thought she would really enjoy.

I feel like for me this vacation is a big step. This trip could be written off as unnecessary. It’s probably too expensive. But, it’s important that I do it (and not because I just want to pamper myself!) I think there’s a reason I’ve felt God calling me away. I think that for way too much of my female life I’ve put too little value on myself, or that value has been misplaced. That’s easy to do when you live in this world we all share. And to connect this to the whole “love-pilgrimage” thing, I think it’s vitally important that this trip happens because it represents my decision to feast with God and enjoy His love for me. This trip is intended to be a physical expression of that love. And during that set-apart time, each morning, noon, and night, I intend to bask in His word, in prayer, in His arms.

I know I appear to be off my rocker. A 25 year old woman paying her own way for a romantic, lavish, two-day tryst with God? I am aware that this whole concept is strange, but have there ever been things that you JUST NEEDED TO DO even though they didn’t make sense to others? That if you didn’t do them, you’d be ignoring what’s really going on in your heart? Maybe even quenching the Spirit? Well, I need to get away with God. I need to spend time reveling in His love, and strange though it may be, pamper myself to remind myself of the very real way He loves, cares for, and cherishes me.

The reason for this trip is so that I can live strong as a woman. I have learned that essential to being strong and being able to face the hardships, difficulties and temptations of this life is being ‘covered’. Knowing who you belong to. Taking asylum in our Lord and….Husband. Knowing your value in Him, so that you don’t go off and, because of unmet needs, go squandering your precious heart in another lover’s arms. (Angela Thomas has a chapter on the ‘other lovers’ in her book, Do You Think I’m Beautiful?) That’s ultimately why I’m going.